It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
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