i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
