I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Randomize
