Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
