my mouth tastes like poor choices
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
