Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
