i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
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