she woke up with a sticky ear
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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