I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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