She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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