He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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