if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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