I'm lost and stupid without you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
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