Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
