The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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