I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
