I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize
