I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
