cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
