highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
