I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
