I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Randomize
