She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
