If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
