Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Randomize
