your thong is hanging out like whoa
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
