Your face is a jimmy john
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
