I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
My ass is underappreciated
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
