A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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