u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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