he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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