dude i'm inner monologue high
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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