i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Let's paint friendship bongs
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
