That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
