i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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