If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
