Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Randomize
