i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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