I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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