Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
