His pubic hair was longer than his dick
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
