sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
