Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
Randomize
