you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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