Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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