Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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