nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
