new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Randomize
