puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
