saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Randomize
