I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
