The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just pee around me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Randomize
