HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
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