Plan B is the new Plan A
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
