I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
