o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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