I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
