Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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