I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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