it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize