Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
