I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
