My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
