Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
