and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
