I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
