If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize