Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
